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Hey everybody, welcome back to another week in Ye Olde School Café! In this week’s edition, we’ll be continuing our romp through Secret Wars! We’ve seen the heroes win a battle, then the villains strike back. Magneto is forging his own path, while Dr. Doom is plotting to pretty much wipe out everybody, and Galactus summoned his mighty ship to this new planet. In a stunning move, Doom used a rebuilt Ultron (zapped by Galactus) to show the other villains why they shouldn’t try to revolt against him, and killed Kang. Also, the X-Men decided to join Magneto, instead of remaining with the other heroes, and Magneto has been entertaining the Wasp at his base. She has just revealed, though, that she has been spying on him and flies away to report back to the Avengers.

As everyone is watching Galactus, Reed Richards is intent on getting Galactus’s attention. He fails miserably, and then Magneto and Professor X give it a try. He gets annoyed by everyone, then sends a signal up to his ship and deploys a robot to handle these insects. The robot has big enough stones to slap the Hulk away, but then the combined might of the Fantastic Four and the Avengers is enough to subdue it. Just as that fight is over, Doom’s forces attack. As the two teams struggle, Galactus lets his guard down and Doom uses this opening to gain access to his ship. On the ground, Torch’s new girlfriend (the one with the bong) heals Spidey and Colossus, who have both sustained heavy damage from the Wrecking Crew. Meanwhile, the Wasp is trying to pilot a stolen ship (one she stole from Magneto’s base), and ends up crashing. As the Wasp is taking a minute’s respite, she’s savagely attacked by the Lizard! On the ship, Doom has stumbled upon a device that seems to house some kind of living sound. When Doom activates the controls, he recreates Klaw. At first, Klaw acts like a bumbling fool that can’t even answer Doom’s questions. He then recounts his demise, and then his capture by Galactus.
As the stow-a-ways watch the video screen, Doom tells Klaw of his plan to thwart Galactus. While this is transpiring, the Wasp calms down the Lizard, and then convinces him to join her on her way back to the heroes’ base. Back at Magneto’s citadel, Xavier uses his telepathy to try and read the mind of the Enchantress. She scoffs at his attempt, but then the Professor is interrupted by Storm. She tells him that she’s the team leader, not him, and that she’ll be giving the orders from now on. He quickly dismisses her all the while telling her that it’s his team to lead, not hers. As the two X-Men quarrel, Colossus is resting from the last fight. As he rests, Zsaji (Torch’s new girlfriend) creeps into his room and starts to “heal” him. He becomes enthralled with her beauty, but then as he proclaims his love to her, she quickly exits the room. Before she can even have a thought, the Torch whisks her away and into the skies above, and then they make out. The X-Men are then sent on a mission by Captain America to spy on Doom’s forces. Well, immediately upon entering the nearby area, the X-Men are attacked by Doc Ock, the Absorbing Man, Titania, and the Molecule Man. The battle doesn’t last long, and during it, Wolverine almost disembowels the Molecule Man. The villains get the upper hand, though, and the X-Men retreat. Elsewhere, the Wrecking Crew stumble upon the Wasp and the Lizard. They use a vehicle that they found at the new citadel to knock out the Wasp and Lizard. As Cap and the others watch Galactus, we see a shadowy figure spying on the heroes from behind some equipment.

In the next scene, the Torch is flying around and spots a woman. She claims to be Spider-Woman and has no idea how she, along with most of Denver, got here. As everyone is trying to figure out who this new Spider-Woman is, the Wrecking Crew sneak up and toss the Wasp’s carcass at them and laugh. They quickly get her inside for Zsaji to work her healing magic. She tries, but then walks away sadly, for the Wasp has died. The Avengers want revenge, but Cap warns against going off half cocked. At the same time, the X-Men and Magneto make plans to intercept Doc Ock and his crew before they can rejoin Doom. We see Titania hovering over the almost lifeless Molecule Man as he struggles to just exist. As the villains are licking their wounds, the X-Men and Magneto strike. Wolverine again does the most damage, by slicing off the arm of the Absorbing Man. Magneto wraps Doc Ock’s arms around him like a straight jacket, while Rogue smashes Titania with a giant rock. As this fight is raging on, Galactus finally is aware that someone is inside his stronghold. He plucks Doom right out of thin air, and deposits him back on the planet. She-Hulk has gone off on her own, not telling anyone of her brash acts. She infiltrates the villains’ base, but ends up getting thrashed by a host of them. As she is helpless against the multitude of aggressors, Xavier mentally tells Cap that the X-Men will watch Galactus, while they seek to stop the others and avenge the Wasp as well!

As Dr. Doom crawls back into the citadel, the Enchantress begs him to tell her what is going on. He admits defeat at the hands of Galactus, then falls on the bed unconscious. Below in the prison section, Klaw has released the Lizard for unknown reasons. Titania is still watching over Molecule Man like a faithful wife. Just as She-Hulk is about to take another beating from Doc Ock, the Avengers bust in and start to lay a beat-down on everybody. The only hero that seems to be getting the worse end of the battle is the Hulk, believe it or not. He gets mentally slapped by the Enchantress, who then turns her attention to Captain America. He’s not so easily seduced, though, and smacks her on the head with his shield. During the battle, Ultron snatches Torch out of mid-air, but he goes supernova and burns out Ultron’s transistors. Cap then creeps into a room, where he finds a defeated Dr. Doom. As the heroes are mopping up, back at the heroes’ base, we see Colossus trying to revive a sick Zsaji with her magic weed (I know there’s a Cheech and Chong joke here somewhere). He then realizes that the Wasp was in a suspended state of animation, and not dead. Back at the villain stronghold, we see Reed trying to help Iron Man fix his armor, while Thor and the Hulk are walking around and then run into Spidey. Spidey asks how Thor got his cape back (it had been destroyed earlier by Ultron), and he and the Hulk tell Spidey about a machine they discovered in the other room that can materialize your thoughts. Spidey hooks himself up to the machine, and it produces a small black ball. Spidey picks it up and the next thing you know, he’s covered in this black substance from head to toe!
That is where I’ll stop for now, but be back next week for the assault on Galactus, Spidey’s new friend the Symbiote, and Dr. Doom’s revenge!
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Billy Dunleavy
billy@comicattack.net