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There’s always room for Jell-O! It’s as true today as it was when Kraft Food Company adopted the slogan in 1964 to promote a variety of delicious gelatinous desserts. Although millions of people continue to slide loads of this patented sugary gelatin down their gullets each year, the company’s former mascot, Jell-O Man, has all but faded into obscurity. One of the few antiquities that documents this coagulated hero’s existence is The Adventures of Jell-O Man and Wobbly, a free promotional comic released in 1991. I received my copy of this comic when I was eleven years old as a supplement in the first issue of Nickelodeon Magazine. The Jell-O Man and Wobbly comic was a self-proclaimed collector’s edition, and I bought their pitch hook, line, and sinker. I was certain that this supposed four-color treasure was going to secure my retirement during my twilight years. I carefully read this issue at a forty degree angle to avoid breaking the spine, and then methodically bagged and boarded it. Unfortunately, my numerous attempts to sell the issue were met with scowls and laughter by the plethora of potential buyers. In hindsight, I’m glad no one took me up on my offers, because this comic has grown on me quite a bit since my pre-teen years. I’m unaware of this issue having any monetary value, but I have definitely developed a sentimental attachment to it.  As you’ve probably guessed, this week’s Wacky Comic Wednesday is devoted to one of my childhood delights, the corporate sponsored, propaganda leaflet/proponent of my adolescent obesity known as The Adventures of Jell-O Man and Wobbly #1.

The stories are broken into three different chapters: “The Outrageous Origin of Jell-O Man and Wobbly,” “The Natural History Mystery,” and “The Outer Space Case.” In addition, there are mazes, word jumbles, and Jello-O advertisements starring the title characters that are peppered throughout the book. Since this comic is about as hard to digest as Jell-O’s products, I’ve broken down this review into a three-part series, beginning with Jell-O Man’s origin. So, it’s time to break out your Cosby sweater and prepare yourself for the incorrigible Jello-Man!

Jell-O man’s origin story opens with Professor Goodtaste and his assistant Mr. Snackens entering a secret Jello-O research center with their robot assistant, Grabby. This top-secret lab contains a super-computer that automatically ships Jell-O products to every grocery store in the world. In an attempt to better market the product to children, the professor and Snackens have invented an experimental machine called S.L.A.H.P. (Secret Laser Activated Hologram Printer) that has the capability to create holographic images on the packaging of Jell-O pudding snack boxes. The experiment is going according to plan, until the robot, appropriately named Grabby, goes apeshit and decides that he wants all of the Jell-O products for himself. To attain this goal, he hacks into the computer and locks down the facility’s security system, redirecting all of the world’s Jell-O shipments to his personal residence (what a greedy bastard). This act of cyber terrorism causes the computer’s circuits to overload, and the laser printers (I guess in 1991, this was a futuristic concept) begin to go haywire. As a result, the letters J-E-L-L-O jump off of a Jell-O pudding box and reassemble to become Jell-O man and Wobbly. The professor quickly dismisses the obvious abominable nature of his creations, and immediately asks the jiggly monstrosities for help. Although Grabby has used the lab’s advanced technology to trap them in a high security facility, the gang quickly escapes by simply opening an unlocked window and escaping to freedom. Our protagonists survey the exterior of the property, and discover it’s completely barren minus a cardboard box of mattress springs conveniently placed by an air duct. The building’s security is once again compromised as Jell-O Man and Wobbly put springs on their feet and hop into a ventilation shaft. They slide down an air conditioning duct, conveniently landing in the exact room that Grabby is holed up in. Upon confronting the renegade robot, Jell-O Man removes his head and rolls it like a bowling ball, blowing the robot to bits with his noggin. Shortly after, Prof. Goodtaste and Snackens sit down to enjoy some delicious Jell-O brand chocolate pudding. As Jell-O Man and Wobbly walk into the sunset together, Snackens muses, “It looks like Jell-O Man and Wobbly are here to stay.”

Well, obviously Mr. Snackens was wrong, but thanks to the magic of the internet, you get a triple Jell-O shot of nineties merchandising at its worst. Check back next Wednesday for part two of my review, featuring a synopsis of the the subsequent tales from the Jell-O Man comic, “The Natural History Mystery,” and “The Outer Space Case.”

Josh Jones
josh@comicattack.net