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You know the old phrase, “With friends like this, who needs enemies?” Well in Batman’s case it’s more like, “With enemies like this, who needs friends?” A new video has surfaced featuring Batman teaming up with the Joker to take on some Arkham Asylum inmates. No details about the video’s release have been revealed, but, if you ask me, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out it’s a video from the upcoming Batman: Arkham City. See it here, courtesy of Kotaku.com!

Just in case you missed it, the Mass Effect franchise is back with a new comic series from Dark Horse, and guess what…it’s actually good! Read more here!

Last week’s big announcement that actress Anne Hathaway would be portraying Selina Kyle in Christopher Nolan’s next Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, left me with some very powerful mixed emotions, but also inspired this week’s edition of The Comics Console, for better or worse. The last time the world saw Catwoman in a high profile role, it left a horrible memory for anyone who ever cared about the character, but perhaps a bigger crime than the one perpetrated on the film industry by Halle Berry’s portrayal of Catwoman, was the crime committed on the game industry.

Catwoman

Publisher: EA Games
Developer: Argonaut Games
Released: July 20, 2004
Platforms: PlayStation 2, Xbox, GameCube
ESRB: Teen

First of all, my biggest problem with this entire version of Catwoman is that it’s not even Selina Kyle, it’s a new character named Patience Phillips, and I can’t speak for all DC fans, but I bet the majority would agree that if it’s not Selina Kyle, then it’s not Catwoman. But my rant about the atrocities of the film will be reserved for another forum. My goal today is to discuss the horrors of the movie’s video game counter part, which are plentiful.

I’m not sure yet which is the lesser of two evils: seeing the movie before playing the game, or not seeing the movie at all and playing the game anyway. Seeing the movie before playing the game gives you the full perspective of the story, which the game briefly skims; and not seeing the movie saves you the pain of having two hours ripped from your life, but leaves you confused and completely unmotivated through the entire game. Either way, you’re playing Patience Phillips — NOT Selina Kyle — as she seeks revenge on those who blah blah blah whatever, I’m bored just thinking about it. The game just recreates key moments of scenes from the movie, giving you the basic idea of the plot instead of telling a coherent story. It’s probably best that they didn’t drag it out any longer than they had to.

The gameplay is just as dull. Most of your time is spent scaling platforms and jumping walls in some sort of half-assed Prince of Persia fashion. The controls are incredibly flimsy, and wrestling with it is more of a challenge than anything the game offers. The button mapping is very strange, where most of your actions are placed on the shoulder buttons, and combat is executed with the right thumbstick. And what combat there is, is made up of lame kicks, and attacks with your whip. As you earn points after completing levels, you can buy new attacks, but the only one you actually need is the first one available, an attack that disarms your enemies with your whip.

Whatever you do, do not set the controller down and let Catwoman go idle. If Catwoman is inactive for more than a few minutes, this incredibly awkward scene begins with Catwoman dancing seductively, but it completely fails to be sexy in any sort of way. Imagine the creepiest screen saver ever.

Catwoman is a complete nightmare, and not worth a single cent of your money. I’m just hoping Catwoman’s appearance in Batman: Arkham City, along with Anne Hathaway’s new portrayal of the character, will heal the scars left by this entire fiasco.

For more segments of The Comics Console, click here!

Andrew Hurst
andrewhurst@comicattack.net
@andrewEhurst