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December 19, 2011

Movie Mondays: The Star Wars Holiday Special

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Written by: AHudson
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Title: The Star Wars Holiday Special
Directors: Steve Binder and David Acomba
Writers: Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, Bruce Vilanch, Rod Warren, Mitzie Welch
Distributed By: 20th Century Fox
Starring: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, and Peter Mayhew
Release Date: November 17th, 1978




Star Wars
Holiday Special

In the era of the late seventies, Star Wars Episode IV had been out for a year.
It was an exciting time to be alive (or at least hear about it).
But not all went according to plan during these years.
For George Lucas had allowed television to ruin such a franchise
By turning it into a holiday special variety hour.
A show about Chewbacca reuniting with his family.
For a Wookie Christmas holiday known as “Life Day.”
The Galactic Empire tried to stop this at all cost.
But were thwarted once again by the Rebel Alliance.
Thus allowing one of the worst holiday specials of all time to be made….


The New Yorker: Star Wars Edition

If you haven’t been living under a rock for the past four decades and admit to being a fan of Star Wars like everybody else, then I presume you’ve heard at some time or another about The Star Wars Holiday Special. That one so bad that even George Lucas hated it. And if you’ve hung out with Star Wars fans, then you’ve been told to stay the hell away from it. But perhaps curiosity has been getting the better of you. With a temptation to watch it. So take this not as a review, but as a red alert to avoid any audio or visual contact with this piece of crap.

For the first minute I thought, “Hey, maybe this might turn out to be decent!” After all, it had a cool chase scene with the Millennium Falcon vs. a Star Destroyer. And the Han Solo pilot looked a lot like Harrison Ford. Wait a minute…that is Harrison Ford! Then on cue, the Star Wars main theme song plays with the title. Except that it’s not the famous Flash Gordon scroll down, but rather the characters’ faces (70s style) with a narrator saying the actor and character. OK…well, look at the bright side. They have all of the original cast. No replacements here. And then they start showing Chewie’s family. OK…. And then they show a bunch of random people from Bea Arthur to Jefferson Starship. Yeah….


The only reason why it's Deadpool's favorite film.

From that point on, things start painfully sloping downhill. From “Only for the Star Wars fanatics” to “This is what they probably show in hell.” There’s too many reasons why it’s the worst film. And remember, this isn’t some Joe Schmoe who says that everything’s either “BEST MOVIE EVER!” to “THIS FILM SUCKED DONKEY DICK!” This is the guy who gives a pretty fair, if not benefit of the doubt, review and has seen The Asylum films, Howard the Duck, and We Wish You a Turtle Christmas. So when I say it’s the worst, believe me, it’s the worst. And it’s worse than any of the above films. Here’s some reasons why….

  1. Too Slow, Too Bloated: In reality, this should’ve just been a twenty-five to forty-five minute special. But what do they do? Bloat it out to a full length film. Which makes it very, very slow (and this is the guy who loves Jane Austen novels). And if you’re expecting most of the time to be watching space fights and light saber fights, you’re going to be very disappointed. In fact, there isn’t a single light saber in this special. Unless you count purple dildo microphones.
  2. Random Scenes: Unless you count the Jefferson Starship music hologram or the cooking channel section as important. And that’s only two of the many unnecessary scenes. So there’s so many that if you cut them all out, the film would probably only be about thirty minutes. And not a single one (except for the cartoon video) was interesting.

    Movie Rule #1970: 70% of all films made in the 70s were influenced by acid.

  3. Singing: You know what I hate about seventies variety specials? The music numbers. Now, don’t get me wrong, Jefferson Starship is a guilty pleasure (who doesn’t like “Jane” or “We Built This City”), and Diahann Carroll is amazing. But those numbers they have them playing are horrible. And at least they’re professionals. You also have Bea Arthur and Carrie Fisher singing songs. So yeah….
  4. Wookies Aren’t Wookies: Either that or they’re the ugliest wookies I’ve ever seen. One looks like Chewbacca smeared with makeup, and another looks like Sasquatch with down syndrome.
  5. No Action Scenes: OK, there are a few sparse space fights that are somewhat interesting. And there are a few punches here and there. But really, there isn’t any kind of action at all. You’d think that the first encounter between Luke and Boba Fett would lead to a badass fight scene. But it doesn’t.

    Be honest and tell me what it looks like.

Is there anything good about this? Only three things.

  1. First Encounter With Boba Fett: ‘Nuff said.
  2. Cool Cartoon: The closest thing to actually being about Star Wars. Assuming you can forgive its outdated animation.
  3. The Real Cast: Though this wears off very quickly. To see them doing this special is painful.

Boba Fett riding a dinosaur. The only awesome thing about this special.

So basically, avoid this at all costs. Unless you ever wondered if it was possible to rape yourself. I don’t usually quote other reviewers/people, but I think bigshoes 123321 summed it up perfectly….

It’s like someone wrote a fanfic, won the lottery, and spent all their money making this terrible “holiday special.”

Andrew Hudson


One Comment

  1. OH dear god man! WHY?! Why would you torture yourself like this?!

    Oh well.
    I remember seeing most of this once.
    I do love the Boba Fett cartoon stuff.
    But man!
    This is some baaaaaaaaaaaaad stuff!

    Great write-up though.
    Had me laughing my ass off a few times.

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