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November 8, 2017

The Correct Opinion: Top 5 Reasons Why Batman Is Better than Iron Man

1. NO ONE IS SCARED OF IRON MAN!!!!

Real Talk: Let’s say for whatever reason you killed someone and you were on the lam, ducking the cops through back alleys and seedy bars, relying on your wits and context in the criminal underground and then you hear word that a superhero is coming after you. Who would you least want on your tail? Between Iron Man and Batman, which guy would most likely inspire you to turn yourself in for fear of the Wrath that would come down upon you if they caught up with you?

…and you thought Peter Parker had problems with Jameson.

It’s Batman, you know it’s Batman.

Beyond the fact that unless you shot someone on Stark Industries’ board of directors, the Armored Avenger probably wouldn’t even bother coming after you, Lil Anthony Stark Jr. in his red and gold titanium long johns don’t scare nobody. Any superhero whose life you can ruin with two shot glasses and a bottle of Jack Daniels does not deserve your fear. Am I saying alcoholics aren’t scary? I certainly am not. You put one behind the wheel of a bus and I’m sure they’ll be more people screaming for their lives than in a screening of Insidious, but that’s not the kind of scary that keeps you up at night or that gives you pause before you commit a crime.

The haunting thing about Batman is that he knows what you did, he knows how to find you and he will not be stopped. To villains like Darkseid and the Reverse Flash he is the most troublesome member of the Justice League that should never be underestimated, but to petty-crime-ass you, he’s a f****** force of nature that will stop at virtually nothing to CTE you back in line with societal norms. Batman has all the same technological ability of Iron Man plus none of the hangups. Batman’s training and anonymity allows him to prey on your fears in a way that Tony Stark could never muster. If you were a bad guy standing in a dark room, there is no way you could be sure that Batman was not in that room with you, waiting for you to make yourself just vulnerable enough to make his job all the more easy. If the Batman is coming for you, then there is nothing you can do about it. Your best possible choice would be to give yourself up to the Gotham City Police Department and hope you can bribe one of those crooked ass cops to drop you off in Star City. Meanwhile, if you have a metal shield, the lowest possible level of superhuman enhancements, and a bottle of Hendrick’s Gin, then you’ve got a better than average shot of taking out Iron Man in a street fight.

So there you go: five reasons why Iron Man is not DC’s Batman.

Now if you happen to be looking for parallels to Batman in the Marvel Universe, you’ve really only got two good options. The first and most obvious one is Moon Knight but he’s also a bit too Iron Man-ish to really fit the bill (former mercenary finds redemption through crime-fighting).

For the best possible fit, you’ve really got to go into what’s at the heart of the character: you’re looking for someone with an iron will who acts as a force of nature against the criminal element and depends primarily on their skills and abilities to wage their war on crime. Someone whose backstory is not hinged on redemption but tragedy and familial tragedy at that. Someone who, in the blink of an eye, lost everything and in that moment dedicated themselves, single-mindedly to the cessation of crime.

Frank Castle A.K.A The Punisher

It is my correct opinion that if Bruce Wayne, being the man that he is, had grown up in a middle class family, then served his country during wartime (very likely being an extreme badass) to finally come home only to have his family taken from him due tothe acts of violent criminals, you would then have created The Punisher because of course you would have.

And now you know. I’ll see you next time.

Cameron Crump
cameron@comicattack.net


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