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November 8, 2017

The Correct Opinion: Top 5 Reasons Why Batman Is Better than Iron Man

Hello and shut up!

Welcome to The Correct Opinion.

This is my semi-regular platform that I will be using to enlighten you about the world of comics and pop culture, no thanks necessary. I do what I do not for praise or adoration but simply because you’re f****** wrong and you won’t shut up about it.
Now, since this is my inaugural article, you may be asking yourself, “Who is this guy and what makes him such an authority on comic books?” Well, the answer to the first question is shut the f*** up… while the answer to your second part is simple; I have a column on the internet.

You know they don’t give these out to just anybody, right?
Case in point; do you have a column on the internet?
No, you don’t. So I win. Hence the title.
That’s the kind of cutting insight and dick-hard logic that you can expect from The Correct Opinion in these coming…however long I decide to do these… so let’s get started with the first misconception I get to correct:

Top 5 Reasons Why Iron Man Is NOT Marvel’s Batman

Look, we all saw your SAT scores so we know analogies aren’t really your strong suit.
Let me help you out with one.

Iron Man ≠ Batman

“Wait what?” you’re saying to yourself while probably shoving some nondescript s***ty food into your stupid face, probably ham if I had to guess. “Of course Iron Man is Marvel’s Batman…they both fight crime, they’re​ both rich AF, both of their code names are a noun and a gender…”

…And I hear you. They both got that G.B.P.P (Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist) character set going for them but one of the first things you should know when you compare a superhero like Batman to a PR stunt like Iron Man is that…

5. Iron Man Doesn’t Actually Fight Crime

Whether you’re counting Lee and Kirby’s original origin story in Vietnam or Warren Ellis’s fantastic update, moving the setting to the Middle East, Iron Man’s focus has never been on street crime. He began in the 60’s as an anti-communist hero and an attempt by Stan Lee to actively troll his readers:

“…I gave myself a dare. It was the height of the Cold War. The readers, the young readers, if there was one thing they hated, it was war, it was the military….So I got a hero who represented that to the hundredth degree. He was a weapons manufacturer, he was providing weapons for the Army, he was rich, he was an industrialist….I thought it would be fun to take the kind of character that nobody would like…and shove him down their throats…”

Lee wanted Iron Man to be something different, so where characters like Batman fought against systems wrought with corruption while simultaneously defending the streets of Gotham from the street-level criminal element, Iron Man ran a multi-billion dollar conglomerate that created weapons for the government: Iron Man is the system, earning his fortune from government contracts and reveling in the wealth they brought. Both Ellis’s update and Lee’s original put Tony Stark on the path to redemption from the harm caused by the source of his wealth after his life changing accident, but the way Stark does that is by magnanimously loaning out Iron Man who was acting as Tony Stark’s personal bodyguard to assist with the world-threatening dangers. You know how like when someone’s life is in danger and you loan them support so that they wont die, that super cool charity move that rich people do?

Meanwhile Batman is out there in the street beating wholesale ass completely for free. Saving old ladies and s***, then what’s the next thing he does​? BOOM!!!!! He’s at a rich-ass dinner party, standing on the dinner table, putting out some f***er’s flambé saying “Your money don’t mean s***!”

At best, Iron Man is a really fancy emergency response system. At worst, he’s a friend who only helped you move because he wants to borrow your Xbox.

4. Iron Man Is Defined by His Gimmick. Batman Is Not.

That seems like a kind of “no duh” point, right? Tony Stark covers himself in armor and the name “Iron Man” reflects that. It’s there in the name.
“But Cam! Batman is also defined by bats!” you’re probably saying to yourself.

Is he, though?
When you think of Batman, what’s the first thing you think of?
World’s Greatest Detective, yes.
One of the DCU’s greatest fighters, sure.
Bitch-slapped the entire Justice League, absolutely.
Bruce Wayne was the orphan boy-king of Gotham who became the greatest protagonist in the history of fiction armed only with the biggest of big dick skill sets. His accomplishments alone are enough to humble all superheroes, street-level or otherwise, and out of all that prestige and accomplishment, how much did any of that have to do with f***ing bats?

The fact that Bruce Wayne’s  thematic choice for superhero garb was bats might be the least memorable part about him. You could name him after any nocturnal animal you like and the result would be the same. Bad-ass, unfuckwithable, ninja detective with all the money.

Meanwhile, Iron Man outside the armor is still, as he told a pre-Hydra Captain America, the preeminent “Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist”. You know what is conspicuously left out of that list of adjectives though? Superhero. Iron Man without his armor is just a very smart, very rich inventor guy with problems making and maintaining healthy personal relationships with people. He’s an okay fighter, dysfunctional boyfriend, and piss-poor CEO of his own company. Don’t believe me?

Go re-watch Iron Man 3 a.k.a Lethal Weapon 5 and tell me how much of a superhero movie that was.

Continued…

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